The secrets about sex after 40
Irrespective of gender, we all have feminine and masculine energies that we express at different times, depending on the context. Expressing the wrong energy at the wrong time can kill your sexuality.
This is what ran through my mind as I talked to Jackie, a 50-year-old administrator at one of the public universities. She had come to the Sexology Clinic with her husband, Andrew because they no longer had sex.
“I sometimes feel like holding this man and having sex but there is just a repelling force between us that does not let it happen,” she explained.
I noted Andrew’s demeanour from the time they walked into the clinic. He reminded me of how small boys brought to the children’s clinic by their mothers behave. He did not talk much and whenever asked to confirm anything, he quickly complied and nodded, saying yes repeatedly. He looked like a man under siege.
“At age 40, we had sex at least once a week. Right now we are struggling to do it once in three months,” Jackie lamented. “And Andrew never makes a try. He is like a zombie, always waiting to be pushed around.” Andrew looked down in shame. He did not utter a word.
The power dynamics in this relationship were obvious. Jackie was a tough administrator, not just at work but also at home. She exhibited what typically happens in most relationships as women get older and especially after the age of 40: There is a shift of masculine energy from the man to the woman who takes over control, sometimes for good reasons, to steer the family to success.
In your earlier years as a woman, there are those womanly things you used to do that made you connect at an emotional level with a man. Those things start to look foolish when you have to express masculine energy for the success of your family.
Those days the man was the best thing that happened to you. You enjoyed serving him, consulting him, asking him to give you a treat on a weekend, to pick you up from work, to pay for your salon and so on.
You enjoyed teasing him, you played and joked with each other. It was fun to be together. It is not that you could not take care of yourself, it just felt good to lean on someone’s shoulder and feel cared for.
Your feminine energy was at play those days whenever you were with the man. You did not behave in the same way with your colleagues at work. You were still the professional who made tough decisions, ordered people around and meted punishment out to those who disobeyed you. You applied masculine energy at the workplace.
Masculine energy is defined by leadership, logic, clarity and action. It is marked by the tendency to take charge and lead, and to deal with and even punish anyone who plays around or tries to manipulate you.
As women age, they start to see deficiencies in the man’s leadership of the family and find themselves in situations where they have to take leadership in the family. They may become the movers, applying logic and clarity in family decisions. They may want to apply the rules they have used in the workplace to make their families succeed.
For the success of intimacy and sex, however, both men and women must rethink how they apply the two forms of energy. Masculine energy hates masculine energy and this is a common cause of conflict in relationships.
When both man and woman apply the same form of energy, trouble erupts. Further, when a woman has to express masculine energy because the man has become feminine, she gets frustrated.
A woman in a patrilineal marital engagement has some social expectations of the man that must be met for harmony to reign.
“So, what you mean is that a male should be a male and a female should be a female in the relationship and endeavour to play their roles appropriately?” Jackie said absent-mindedly, her gaze fixed on the horizon.
These are difficult concepts to grasp if you share the belief in equality of power in relationships. There is normally confusion that expressing feminine energy is a weakness.
No wonder females have been referred to as the weaker sex. There is power in feminine energy that can positively move nations. A woman should not feel bad when they express their femininity as a way of meeting the soft aspects of life – happiness, pleasure and joy. Men, of course, must similarly learn to express complementary masculine behaviour for real happiness to happen in the family.
“And so, how does all this tie with my question about sex?” Jackie asked looking confused.
Satisfactory sex happens when there is a meeting of the souls. The fusion of feminine and masculine energies creates the merging of two hearts. The desire to let go of your being and release yourself for fun and pleasure happens.
It is at this point that the mystery of affection is realised. It is what people verbalise as deeply in love, and it leads to satisfying sex.
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