11 signs you’re in love with someone who isn’t good for you, according to psychology
Loving someone who’s not good for you? Ouch.
We’ve all been there, perhaps even unknowingly. We meet someone, we get to know them, we fall in love, we live in this bliss for a bit before the red flags start getting more and more vivid.
But the red flags were always there, it’s just that the rose-tinted glasses are extra pink at the start. And now those glasses are losing their rosy hue.
So, here! 11 signs you’re in love with someone who isn’t good for you, according to psychology.
1) You keep waiting for things to get better
You’re in love with someone who isn’t good for you if you just keep on waiting for things to get better and yet it never does.
Maybe an unpopular opinion: Judge people for what they show you and not for who you think they could be. Potential is great but if someone is showing you their bad qualities, believe them.
If someone is telling you they’re not good for you, believe them. Don’t think they’re trying to be cute, this isn’t a movie, and they’re not the anti-hero you’re trying to save.
To say “waiting for things to get better” is just a kinder way of saying things are bad. And love cannot thrive in this mess.
2) They leave you feeling insecure
Reassurance is an unfamiliar word between the two of you. Instead, they make you feel insecure, uncertain, and unsure.
They make you feel like something’s missing with you, they make you feel like they will leave at any moment. It’s like you’re tiptoeing around them constantly.
And that? That’s a very exhausting way to live and love somebody.
This isn’t to say that always asking for reassurance is healthy either. Like with most things, there should be a balance.
3) You keep feeling like you’re in the wrong
You keep feeling like you’re doing something wrong.
Or they make you feel like you’ve done something wrong even when you know you have not. And three guesses on what manipulation tactic that is!!!
Congrats, you’re correct, that’s gaslighting.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.” made a list to know if you’re being gaslighted.
Here are some of them:
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
For the full list of signs, please click here.
4) You’re feeling isolated
Feeling isolated in a relationship (or situationship, whatever yours is) is a red flag. A huge one.
Psych Central says isolation is something to never tolerate in a relationship, “Isolation isn’t always as obvious as taking you away to a remote island.
Sometimes isolation can happen discretely and progressively over a long period of time.
Often, when it happens, you‘re not aware until you find yourself disconnected from friends and family and with no support system.”
And those are the magic (tragic?) words, aren’t they? No support system.
A person who pointedly lets you lose sight of your closest people is not good for you. They want you to depend on them and only them.
That is not healthy and it could even be dangerous.
5) The good times are few and far in between
This one is connected to the first point of waiting for things to get better, you’re waiting for the next good day. Over and over, like a cycle.
They mess up, they apologize, they butter you up, and they say they will change. And then they never do.
And you realize that all the good days could be counted on one hand.
I’m not saying a relationship should only have good days, but all I’m saying is if there are more bad days than good, then what is the reality of the relationship?
6) Trust is not present
You’re in love with someone who’s not good for you when trust is scarce between you.
And I’m not just talking about infidelity.
I’m talking about you feeling like you can’t trust your decisions with them. I’m talking about feeling like you can’t trust them because they make you feel like you’re replaceable.
I’m talking about trust as a whole, the kind of trust that makes relationships grow.
7) You feel like you need to beg them to stay with you
They’re really not good for you if you feel like you need to beg for their attention. Giving attention and care to someone you’re romantically interested in or committed to should be the bare minimum.
If that’s not even present in your dynamic, bestie, what are you doing? It’s 2024, we should be over with writing paragraphs to someone about asking them to love us the way we deserve.
We shouldn’t be out here asking for the barest of the bare minimum.
8) You feel like you need to be someone else to please them
Someone is not good for you if you need to play a part just to be with them. They’re not good for you if who you are is not good enough for them.
If pretense is the only thing that sustains your connection, it won’t last. You can only lie for so long before the pieces start to unravel.
And when the unraveling begins, you’re going to get tangled up in that mess.
If it does last, when in that timeline do you start to lose sight of who you are? If the “act” is more desirable, where does your authenticity go?
Who gets to love that real part of you?
9) You abandon reason when you’re around them
You’re in an unhealthy love affair if you’re abandoning reason when you’re with them.
Sure, there are times that “recklessness” can be cute, like someone pushing you out of your comfort zone to make you more adventurous or try new things.
However, it’s no longer cute when you forget your responsibilities and your sense of self when you’re around them. It’s no longer good when you indulge in bad behavior because of them.
Feel free to disagree with me but from a personal standpoint, no love affair is ever worth the price of losing sight of who you are.
10) You always give in to them
Compromise? Where?
It’s a glaringly obvious sign of being in an unhealthy relationship when the other person refuses to compromise. When you’re the only person who’s always giving in to their demands.
There’s a power imbalance.
11) Boundaries are being crossed
It’s impossible to make a list of red flags without mentioning the concept of boundaries. It’s something that should be so obvious but tends to get overlooked.
Overlooked, why? Well, love has this tendency to make even the smartest person act the dumbest when they’re deep in it. When you’re so in love that casual disrespect of boundaries gets excused.
You’re in love with the wrong person if they make you neglect or ignore your boundaries all the time, especially the non-negotiable ones.
However, if they won’t even apologize for when it happens or if they make you believe they’re not important, it’s time to reflect.
Your boundaries are there to keep you safe, to make you comfortable, to let others know what you allow in your life, and to let them know what you can give.
Someone who bulldozes over all of that does not have you in mind.
Final thoughts: “Delulu is not always the solulu”
Depending on which side of the internet you are on, you may have come across the statement, “Delulu is the solulu” (or “Delusion is the solution” for those who don’t speak internet.)
That’s not the case for this. You can only convince yourself so many times before the lie becomes your truth. And that’s a scary notion for a relationship with all of these signs present.
Do not decorate your house with the red flags they’re waving at your face.
Love that is unkind is not love that can make you flourish. Love that is destructive is just misery finding its company.
Don’t let it be you.
